autumn ramblings 8

a time when ~

i have found myself wondering about the numbers assigned to these ramblings. the number 8 appeared next in line as i was planning this ramble. i would not have previously thought of the number having significance but i am pretty certain i would have been eight years of age when i first encountered a very difficult year with my diabetes. maybe i should not say "very difficult". i am totally beyond the point of knowing what is important or an emergency or something to get really excited about. over the past few years with our daughter there have been so many occurrences, incidents, as i said ~ beyond knowing what is something major.

a "very difficult" year ~ perhaps it was. i do not remember the details. i do recall spending days on end in the hospital only for them to determine if a newer ~ for that time ~ insulin could be less problematic for my injection sites. i was not really ill you understand. but more kind of like a guinea pig. whatever. i was again hospitalized a few months later with a serious stomach flu and again at the end of June following the last day of school and being found during the night with an extremely low blood sugar, i cannot remember, maybe i had actually passed out.

********

rambling
i will try to get to bed earlier.
i will continue to get outdoors in the mornings even though it is cloudy, always, it seems
and colder and more dreary.
i will try.
i will leave her in God's hands even though it is so scary.
i will try.
i will remind myself there is nothing more i can do.
i will try.
i will try to be positive and cheery
and act as though everything is fine.
i will try.
i will try. 

********

nearly a month ago. i gave myself a huge largish scare. the glass landed on the floor. having shattered. no, not so much a psychological thing, well perhaps. i was in stocking feet. somehow i was on the balls of my feet. it was not so comfortable. mostly there was fear. there was no one else in the house. i had stepped on a piece of glass years ago. our daughter, quite capably for her age, telephoned her Dad who proceeded to come home from work and help with removing the piece of glass from my foot.

now you realize, or maybe you are not aware that i have had diabetes for 51 and 1/2 years. my feet - some might think i am paranoid about them. perhaps so. but the doctors tell me that is a good thing because of the diabetes. i am familiar with those who have needed amputation. at a youngish age. in the summer time. or maybe it was spring i was told i definitely have diabetic neuropathy. my past education and career choice of nursing enabled allowed me to see the long term effects of diabetes complications. too many young people. too much blindness. too much kidney dialysis. too many deaths. young people. diabetes. yes maybe i am paranoid. i say rightly so.

********

concerned about the weather
rain, rain go away.
come again some other day.
when the temperature is not hovering around zero.

there is already enough sadness from the weather
our own mistakes
because of Sandy
because of inferiority
feelings
sadness
huge change coming
huge change happening
everyday
some day
every day
around us
within us.

********

that star key

that number eight

meant to fit together?

diabetes

a difficult year.

********

i hope you are still with me.

i am here

i am strong.

i am able to smile.

i am able to dance.

i am able to laugh.

i am ok.

i hope you are ok.

no, everything is NOT ok

but i am ok and i sincerely hope you are ok.

********

that day the glass fell, shattered, scared me.

Greg was just outside, cleaning the step, sweeping. 

through one thin pane of glass. i called. 

he was there, quickly. i breathed, relief. i was safe.

my brother soon entered as well. 

********

paranoid. perhaps.

so much being reminded, though,

of orange. so many reminders, insisting

i must achieve better control, my diabetes.

only two. doctors. this time.

but so many from my past. so many still there to haunt me.

only if i allow them.

i will choose not to allow them.

orange.

shades of green

I do not often take time to think on the colour green. Yet green, well, green almost seems to reside in me, to be a part of me. I love, love, love nature and especially its multitude of greens. The recycling green seems also to be a part of me. Recycling comes naturally as an everyday part of life. I almost think more about it if I choose for some strange reason to not recycle.

For today, I have chosen to share just a few of my most favourite brighter greens which reside in our home, some of them quite newly acquired. Certainly my constant companion, Missy Hope, did not want to miss any of the excitement. Even though her eyes are most certainly blue, they do seem to have taken on a turquoise hue for the special occasion.

about orange

Does the colour orange mean anything to you? Some people are familiar with colour theory and would have some answers to the question. Others might look it up on google and see what the colour is about. However, I can almost guarantee that the colour orange means something totally different to me than it does to anyone else. You may have seen my poem before. If you have, please choose to read it again. It is a good reminder about, about what? I suppose one could say about challenges, about life. The poem speaks hugely of what I am about. Please do not take it lightly when you read it. Read it with an open heart. Read it with a heart willing to accept. Read it with a heart willing to learn.

Orange
When I was a child
With diabetes,
I grew to hate
The colour orange.

The sugar in my body
Needed testing.

Orange
Meant sugar,
Too much
Sugar.

And now -
I envision lines,
And lines,
And lines,
In the record book,
Lines of orange.

As a child with Diabetes
What
Went through my mind
About these lines of orange
In the Record Book?

They were always present.
I probably did not even recognize
Any interspersal of beautiful blue,
Or calming green.

Striving
For perfection?
Who
Me?
Striving to erase all those lines,
Of orange,
Which could never
Be erased.
Striving to erase the lines
Of imperfection
Which would be
Forever
Part of me.

Today -
I can truly appreciate
The colour orange.

Now I understand
It represents joy.
I work towards Joy.
I strive for it.
I strive
For more imperfection.
The striving
Is not easy.

Forever will live in me -
Those lines and lines
Of the colour orange.

permission
to smile
to laugh
to cry
to create
to breathe
to express
to be
me

And most recently I've been giving myself permission to stay away from this technology a bit so I might have fun clearing my art room and creating containers for putting tools in - mainly stamps that I am decorating the boxes for. I'll share as soon as I have an extra moment.

In the mean time I have done this journal page with an old picture, slide actually, that I found when we were at the farm over the holiday season. We found many slides. Greg needs to teach me how to do the scanning. Because they are old slides it is being a bit of a challenge.

I chose this particular image

of myself because I believe it portrays very well what I have felt about my childhood. I would try to smile because I knew people wanted me to feel happy. Instead I probably looked even more sad. Certainly not all the pictures are that way. I'll share more along the way.

The journal page was looking quite "weak". I planned to add the texture with polyfilla. The part that was not planned was when I used walnut ink spray and accidentally got some on my photo. I went to wipe as I typically do, forgetting the ink on the vellum would smudge. Ahhh, blurriness - perfect. That's exactly how I often feel about my childhood. Images blurred. I'm not sure how I feel after I put the ink on for my eyes and glasses but I think, through it all, my eyes were seeing, learning, finding myself even as I was losing myself.



Back to more discovering, more creating, more fun with the organizing.



May angels be with you as you give yourself permission.
Wendy XO

The theme for yesterday's photo days at CaC was fall. And so I've posted some of my most recent fall photos.

In the autumn season of year, the heart of Brynn weeps for the departing hours of sunbeams. Yet Selina Joy brings light of her own with the richness of autumn colours, textures and coziness.
May angels be with you as you are blessed with the richness of autumn.

My blog appearance ~ I suppose some people think I change the looks of my blog as frequently as others change their hair colour or maybe even their clothes. I'm being terribly, ummm, unsettled, and feeling like I don't quite know where to begin with all the art plans. I was looking for something that is art to post tonight but couldn't really come up with anything I'd completed. I must rectify that soon, like within the next month (hopefully days) or so. I think I'm also a might concerned about my dear Suze friend. I pray that she is alright.
As I couldn't find art to post I decided it was just simpler for now to change the looks of my little sharing with the world community. I was partly prompted, probably totally prompted, when I paused to take time to read the latest interview at CaC done by groovyholly. When I went to check Lani's website I was blown away. I didn't have much time but just the homepage alone seemed to exude joy and positive energy. For example she has a "place to go in case of artistic emergency" - wow, how inspiring.
I must remember "LIFE IS GOOD".