autumn ramblings 10 ~ more stages of creativity

a blue vignette just cause this is a rambling and the image is looking ugly very scary at this point.

As you have probably noticed ~ something went totally awry after the fourth picture. By that time I was getting pretty frustrated. I was nearly ready to paint over and start from new. But thankfully I let her rest for a while. I moved on to a couple of other creations. Not certain why I was panicking stressing. I suppose those nasty life challenges were getting the best of me. Finally I came back to my drawing book inside cover page. Answers came to me. 

I am now calling this page complete. There is probably much more I could do but after all ~ only  a journal page.

"I will always remember

I am strong."

autumn ramblings 9

or "taking a creative interlude"

As you could realize from my latest ramblings ~ sometimes the rambling is a bit hard to take. As I began the ramblings, I believe I had mentioned that what was flowing through onto these pages was very much the way things are within me. Confusing. Making no sense. Never ending. I suspect you have been getting numerous indications of that particularly recently. You might pause to wonder how anyone could survive a continuous, ongoing thought process as that. That is at times what boggles my mind - how to get away from it. How to unwind the tightly wound knob on my back so that the thought process might slow down. 

I am so grateful for a creative soul. So grateful for an awareness of nature and the need to "be still". So grateful for music. So grateful for tools and imagination and eyes that "see beyond".

Truly I have tried to remain creative. Here is one of my more recent creations shown in steps from earlier beginnings of a sketch to looking very gaunt, to looking like a sophisticated young lady very worthy of framing. I often begin sketches on whatever happens to be handy as I prepare to talk with my Momma on the telephone. Those beginning sketches are sometimes "way off" but I have been reminded time and time again to practice. That is another part of what keeps me going in this creative journey.

 Created with graphite, soft pastels, pastel pencils.  

I know. She looks pretty scary above. She would have been very appropriate for Halloween or some very scary movie. Funny. I trusted myself and carried on. I have learned that a very bad, nearly frightening look is typical at some stage in most paintings. Trust in oneself. And I realize now that creating brings about trust. Ah, I think I learned that a long time ago. It was just a lesson forgotten, a lesson which I should allow to be at the forefront much more often, in creating, as in life.  
 

"You know, you do need mentors, but in the end, you really just need to believe in yourself."
                                                             Diana Ross                                     

Angel blessings my friends.

autumn ramblings 8

a time when ~

i have found myself wondering about the numbers assigned to these ramblings. the number 8 appeared next in line as i was planning this ramble. i would not have previously thought of the number having significance but i am pretty certain i would have been eight years of age when i first encountered a very difficult year with my diabetes. maybe i should not say "very difficult". i am totally beyond the point of knowing what is important or an emergency or something to get really excited about. over the past few years with our daughter there have been so many occurrences, incidents, as i said ~ beyond knowing what is something major.

a "very difficult" year ~ perhaps it was. i do not remember the details. i do recall spending days on end in the hospital only for them to determine if a newer ~ for that time ~ insulin could be less problematic for my injection sites. i was not really ill you understand. but more kind of like a guinea pig. whatever. i was again hospitalized a few months later with a serious stomach flu and again at the end of June following the last day of school and being found during the night with an extremely low blood sugar, i cannot remember, maybe i had actually passed out.

********

rambling
i will try to get to bed earlier.
i will continue to get outdoors in the mornings even though it is cloudy, always, it seems
and colder and more dreary.
i will try.
i will leave her in God's hands even though it is so scary.
i will try.
i will remind myself there is nothing more i can do.
i will try.
i will try to be positive and cheery
and act as though everything is fine.
i will try.
i will try. 

********

nearly a month ago. i gave myself a huge largish scare. the glass landed on the floor. having shattered. no, not so much a psychological thing, well perhaps. i was in stocking feet. somehow i was on the balls of my feet. it was not so comfortable. mostly there was fear. there was no one else in the house. i had stepped on a piece of glass years ago. our daughter, quite capably for her age, telephoned her Dad who proceeded to come home from work and help with removing the piece of glass from my foot.

now you realize, or maybe you are not aware that i have had diabetes for 51 and 1/2 years. my feet - some might think i am paranoid about them. perhaps so. but the doctors tell me that is a good thing because of the diabetes. i am familiar with those who have needed amputation. at a youngish age. in the summer time. or maybe it was spring i was told i definitely have diabetic neuropathy. my past education and career choice of nursing enabled allowed me to see the long term effects of diabetes complications. too many young people. too much blindness. too much kidney dialysis. too many deaths. young people. diabetes. yes maybe i am paranoid. i say rightly so.

********

concerned about the weather
rain, rain go away.
come again some other day.
when the temperature is not hovering around zero.

there is already enough sadness from the weather
our own mistakes
because of Sandy
because of inferiority
feelings
sadness
huge change coming
huge change happening
everyday
some day
every day
around us
within us.

********

that star key

that number eight

meant to fit together?

diabetes

a difficult year.

********

i hope you are still with me.

i am here

i am strong.

i am able to smile.

i am able to dance.

i am able to laugh.

i am ok.

i hope you are ok.

no, everything is NOT ok

but i am ok and i sincerely hope you are ok.

********

that day the glass fell, shattered, scared me.

Greg was just outside, cleaning the step, sweeping. 

through one thin pane of glass. i called. 

he was there, quickly. i breathed, relief. i was safe.

my brother soon entered as well. 

********

paranoid. perhaps.

so much being reminded, though,

of orange. so many reminders, insisting

i must achieve better control, my diabetes.

only two. doctors. this time.

but so many from my past. so many still there to haunt me.

only if i allow them.

i will choose not to allow them.

orange.